Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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