he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
did i just pee glitter
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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