I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
