Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
