i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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