Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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