Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
