He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
