My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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