If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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