If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize