New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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