How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
