and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize