The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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