nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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