I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize