i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize