Say something about gay babies.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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