And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
