What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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