its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize