Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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