life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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