when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
