Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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