grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
