Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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