God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
