I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
