I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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