this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
