grandma shit on top of the toilet
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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