Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
