i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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