Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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