I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
