listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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