she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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