I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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