Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
