Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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