i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
