Swine flu. Run for my life!
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
