chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He passed out mid-signature
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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