If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
