I will die if light touches me.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
