does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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