Got a toothbrush?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
is it fun? or sober?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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