You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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