I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
