it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
