Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
me + whiskey = a bad person
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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