Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
