It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
