Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
don't judge my taste in strippers
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
