so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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