please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Found the puke drawer
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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