I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
