You work out of a Hotel?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
