so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
