when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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