hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize