Can i not drive my cunt home
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We have started to decorate penises.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
