just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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