i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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