dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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