If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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